For as long as I can remember, I was always reaching for a standard that was far beyond my reach - whether that was in school, in work, in relationships, in happiness. Deep down, I knew something wasn’t right; something didn’t sit well with me. But I didn’t know what it was; I didn’t know how to look at it, understand it … and so for the longest time, I kept moving - pushed down this path by some unknown yet undeniable force towards some indistinct future that was not my own.
But there was also a part of me that kept searching for answers - relentlessly probing and exploring any way to gain a foothold, an entry point, every rabbit hole until one stuck - a program I took on self-discovery recommended by a trusted friend.
I remember one “lightbulb” moment right after that program when I glimpsed for the first time beyond the shackles of my past and asked myself: “If I’m not that, then who am I?”
It was genuinely terrifying. Suddenly, I no longer knew who I was - even if it was cyclical and destructive. Yes, it was toxic but it was safe. Yes, it was holding me back but it was safe. Yes, I was trapped but I was safe.
At the same time, I saw - for the first time - a direct link between the conditioning of my past with my reaction to circumstance and its direct impact on the future - and I did not like what I saw.
But what scared me the most in that moment was the question: “Does this mean that the good I believe is in me is a lie as well? Does this mean that all the good i believe I want to do comes from a selfish, broken place?”
I was happy to be able to see a path through the cyclical self-destructive behaviour, but was I prepared to let go of all the good I thought I had in me as well?
When I asked my mentor these questions, he asked me one simple question: “If you have nothing to prove, no one to be and nothing to fix, what would you spend your life’s energies on?”
That stopped me in my tracks, and I have spent the better part of the last 8 years pondering this question:
a) NOTHING TO PROVE: we spend so much of our lives trying to move to the world (ourselves, our family, our colleagues, our rivals, God) that we’re good enough. Modern society is driven by competition and success, and in most competitions, there can only be ONE winner. And then what? We worry about losing that spot. The truth is - there are no winners in this game, only losers - at least not in the way I define winning
b) NO ONE TO BE: Humans are social creatures. In many ways, the world defines us by our upbringing, our social status, the roles we play, who we hang out with, how many followers we have, etc … and we rarely ever consider what it would be like to just live for ourselves. So the question is if you had no role to play to anyone else but yourself, who would you be?
c) NOTHING TO FIX: most of us grow up believing that we have things about ourselves that we need to fix. At least I did. I thought that I was broken. And that fundamentally changes the way we view our life. Everytime I failed, it just reinforced the notion that I was broken and that I would never be whole
I am now achieving goals my past would have never considered possible, and the journey to know myself will never end. But at least now I’m doing it from a place of conscious choice.
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My name is Eu Jin. I embarked on a career as a professional actor after 20 years in the corporate world. I am a big advocate of personal growth in the performing arts. I dedicate time and energy in performing arts education, specifically in the arena of practical approaches to inner health because I believe that this lays the groundwork for a sustainable career as an artiste.
If you would like to engage in a conversation about a healthy inner life practice, please leave me a message on the "Contact" page of my website and a way to contact you. Thank you!