Every time you think to yourself “that won’t work” or “they’re better than me” or “I know I’m going to screw up” or “it never works so why bother” or “they won’t let me” or “I’ve never done this before” or “it’s too hard”, you are essentially telling yourself that you’re not worth your own time and energy. And if you - who have the greatest amount to gain or lose - don’t hedge your bets on yourself, do you really expect the rest of the world to?
Most of us spend the first 20 odd years of our lives going through an educational system, familial and societal upbringing that indoctrinates us into the sanctity of rules and convention. We make decisions (or rather decisions are made for us) that shape the remaining 60 to 70% of our lives that we really have no actual ability to make, and we definitely don’t have the cognitive or emotional maturity to understand the true consequence of those decisions. This isn’t to say that rules and convention, education and familial upbringing are irrelevant. Collectively, they have ushered modern human society into an era of unprecedented prosperity. No, this isn’t a conversation that is black and white and the purpose of this conversation isn’t to denounce rules and convention.
The purpose of this conversation is to create space to discuss how to give yourself permission to invest in yourself, to plot your own path, to embark on a journey to find out what makes your life worth living, then to go out and make those changes so you can live that life. I would love to get the a point where we stop putting people who “find success later in life” up on a pedestal - not because these people aren’t amazing and not because their stories aren’t worth celebrating - but because everyone is doing exactly the same thing: they are living a life they are proud of.
During these last five months since the global lockdowns began, I have found ways to give myself:
Permission to be afraid, claustrophobic and paranoid without reason
Permission to worry myself into sleepless nights
Permission to get fat and beat myself up for getting fat
Permission to stop exercising after 1 day of trying
Permission to beat myself up for not having any of my shit together
Permission to beat myself for trying too damned hard to be in control
Permission to beat myself up for failing as a son and an uncle
Permission to hold unhealthy amounts of tension in my body
What I didn’t realize at the time - and all through that process - was that giving myself permission in this way would unlock a deeper recess of “fight or flight” and I found myself also giving myself:
Permission to take a breath
Permission to step away from performing for as long as I needed to
Permission to be an introvert
Permission to keep dreaming big dreams
Permission to create some amazing pieces work
Permission to discover new ways to love and care for my family
When I started giving myself a deeper and more connected form of permission, the world started to reciprocate. Now, still in the middle of a global pandemic, I find myself on a visa with permission to work in the UK in the performing arts for the foreseeable future, and I have been given the amazing opportunity to deliver my ‘Inner Life Practice’ curriculum at one of the top performing arts schools in the world.
-
My name is Eu Jin. I am a professional actor, writer, educator and coach. This blog charts my inner journey and my personal Inner Life Practice. I am committed to supporting and nurturing performing arts education - specifically in the area of career sustainability through practical approaches to inner health. If you would like to engage in a conversation about your inner life practice, please leave me a message on the "Contact" page of my website. Thank you.