Over the last week, I have been struggling with the possibility of disappointing someone whom I greatly admire and look up to. I spiraled down bottomless rabbit hole scenarios where I would lose an irreplaceable friendship and a kindred spirit who has been an indelible source of courage and support during the last few years. I replayed the scenes over and over in my head, trying to figure out exactly where I had gone wrong or where I said the wrong thing. I kept coming back to how disappointed he must be for reacting the way that I did, how he must be questioning whether he had put his trust in the wrong person and I slaved over what I could or should do to salvage the situation and our friendship. Of course - throughout this titanic inner struggle, I have been keeping this all to myself for fear of pissing him off even more.
I was at my wit’s end. Then yesterday, this question popped into my head: “whose standard do I want to hold myself to - his or mine?”
The answer was: MINE.
And all of a sudden - things became clear. All of a sudden, it was easy to see that I had - ridiculously yet very understandably - created this perception that I had to be perfect all the time. I asked myself who actually holds me to a higher standard and the answer was ‘me’. I asked myself if I had let myself down and the answer was ‘no’. I asked myself whose opinion mattered more and the answer was ‘mine‘. I asked myself if I had actually done anything to piss him off, and the answer was ‘no.’
And of course - when I told him about all this, he laughed at me and said: “No wonder I haven’t heard from you all week. You are always going to be your worst critic. But that’s your process and it will always be a part of your process.”
It takes the tiniest things to send us spiraling down rabbit holes, and that’s fine. Life is complicated. Rather - it’s the trust in myself to pull me out of a spiral when I have had enough - that is important.
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My name is Eu Jin. I am a professional actor, writer, educator and coach. This blog charts my inner journey and my personal Inner Life Practice. I am committed to supporting and nurturing performing arts education - specifically in the area of career sustainability through practical approaches to inner health. If you would like to engage in a conversation about your inner life practice, please leave me a message on the "Contact" page of my website. Thank you.