Where do we store our 'hidden' tension?

Taking care of yourself is not a one-time exercise that you do then put on repeat mode. Your needs are going to change every single day - sometimes multiple times during the day. Being cognizant to what you need in any particular moment is as much about looking back into your toolbox as it is about discovering new practices.

Up to this point in the tour, I had prided myself in staying in good physical condition. I was worked extremely hard to manage pre-existing medical conditions and create a sustainable physical practice - listening to my body and giving it what it needed to be able to physically deliver 8 or 9 shows a week. Then about 4 weeks ago, I sustained a minor physical injury on stage to a part of my body with a pre-existing medical condition. Fortunately, this new injury is nothing that will have long-term consequences. But it would turn out to be serious enough in the short-term to impact both my daily life and also my ability to be on stage.

I have lived with pre-existing medical conditions long enough to know how far I can push myself and the impact a physical ilmitation can have on one’s emotional well-being.

So for the last 4 weeks, I have been extremely dilligent in my care and rehabilitation of this new injury because knowing that it is getting better helps me focus on stage. I have also made changes to my daily routine that holds space for my mental and emotional well-being and all the while, being aware of the mental toll carrying these two injuries on a single body part has (how rehabilitating one injury negatively impacts the other) as well as the how much my body is compensating for not one, but two injuries.

When this new injury finally turned a corner 4 days ago near the end of our Zurich run, I felt my entire body relax and I suddenly became aware of all this hidden tension I had been holding in my body for the last month. I know with certaintly that this hidden tension comes - not from the physical injury - but from the mental and emotional toll, and I began to wonder just how much hidden tension I am holding from my pre-existing medical conditions, and that perhaps the journey I need to release that tension is an inner journey.

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My name is Eu Jin. I embarked on a career as a professional actor after 20 years in the corporate world. I am a big advocate of personal growth in the performing arts. I dedicate time and energy in performing arts education, specifically in the arena of practical approaches to inner health because I believe that this lays the groundwork for a sustainable career as an artiste.

If you would like to engage in a conversation about a healthy inner life practice, please leave me a message on the "Contact" page of my website and a way to contact you. Thank you.

There is no need to fix what isn't broken

It is a recurring theme in my life: I am always looking for something to fix about myself. I could conveniently place the blame on my Asian upbringing, but I’m in my mid 40’s and after a while, blaming my upbringing for my adult actions seems … well … just a little (A LOT) immature.

It is, however, one aspect of my life that does need daily attention. My instinct is to work hard, to buckle down, to grind it out until I get it, then grind even more until I get better. That in itself is not a bad thing. It is the association to the alternative that needs working on: subconsciously, I fear that if I let up just a little bit, I will become a complete and utter slob; I am afraid that my life won’t mean something worthwhile. It comes from having come into this career at a later age and with it, the fear of running out of time.

When things are going well - as they are right now - I often feel an even more urgent need to fill my days with meaningful “busy” work - not because I have time, but because deep down, it feels like I’m not seeing something and that I should look harder.

The reality - of course - couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m simultaneously working on multiple creative and business projects and making tremendous progress in ALL of them. Also, creative work requires space to breathe. I will always work hard and work intellectually, and in the last 20 years, I’ve slowly learnt to balance that with working differently. Hard work gets you places, but it doesn’t get you everywhere. Relying on instinct, talent, inspiration and support are just as important.

Case in point - this blog. I’d not published an entry for about a month now and I have postponed writing a new blog 6 times in the last 29 days. It just struck me today that putting pressure on myself to constantly create content goes against the very fundamentals of creating a Healthy Inner Life Practice. I’m afraid that I’ll run out of things to say, but 13 months and over 50 entries later, I still haven’t run out of things to say - so what in the world am I worried about?

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My name is Eu Jin. I embarked on a career as a professional actor after 20 years in the corporate world. I am a big advocate of personal growth in the performing arts. I dedicate time and energy in performing arts education, specifically in the arena of practical approaches to inner health because I believe that this lays the groundwork for a sustainable career as an artiste.

If you would like to engage in a conversation about a healthy inner life practice, please leave me a message on the "Contact" page of my website and a way to contact you. Thank you.

Courage is such a fragile friend.

Courage is such a fragile friend.

Some days, I find myself soothed by the progress I am making to build a career I can call my own. Even on those days, it often feels like a front I’ve put up to will myself into believing I’ve made the right decisions. There are also the few really good days where I feel like I am changing lives and I’ve done something to leave the world a better place. I try to pin those days near the front because I know I will need them on the really bad days when I feel like I’ve gone down a rabbit hole I cannot back out of; the sides of the narrow path I am on have fallen away and I am just one small step away from the abyss of nothingness; when all I want to do is stop and curl up and hide, but I can’t - so I have to keep going down this path that’s crumbling away with every step I take.

That’s what courage feels like to me.

And that’s ok. Courage doesn’t have to be big, bright and loud all the time. It can be small, determined; it can be fragile and scared too.

It’s also about being aware of how society has defined courage, what is expected when people say “have courage” and how we are expected to respond to courage. Is courage meant to be something we either have or don’t have? Do people fundamentally believe other people are braver than them, and are therefore better than them? If courage isn’t grounded in morality, is it still courage? Is the courage to take someone’s life still courage? If someone is instrumental in helping you overcome a big challenge, how much of that was actually you being courageous or were you relying on someone else?

Being on stage, writing new work, getting up in front of a class, sharing parts of yourself that you aren’t proud of all take courage. Sometimes getting out of bed takes courage. And reminding myself that every single person is courageous multiple times in a day simply because they make a choice about their life … isn’t that enough?

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My name is Eu Jin. I embarked on a career as a professional actor after 20 years in the corporate world. I am a big advocate of personal growth in the performing arts. I dedicate time and energy in performing arts education, specifically in the arena of practical approaches to inner health because I believe that this lays the groundwork for a sustainable career as an artiste.

If you would like to engage in a conversation about a healthy inner life practice, please leave me a message on the "Contact" page of my website and a way to contact you. Thank you.

It's not a Straight Line. Not for anyone. It never was, and it never will be

How many times have we thought to ourselves: “why can’t life be simpler? Why can’t things be more straight forward?? Why do things have to be so complicated??? Why do things have to be so hard????”

What’s not often verbalized in those questions are two words we frequently leave out: “for me”

“Why can’t life be simpler for me?”

We see other people getting what they want, seemingly with ease, one thing after another, just like that … and we get so damned angry and indignant. Such is the way of the world today - it pits everyone against each other; it creates a hierarchy of achievement based on empirical and measurable results all stemming from an inherent need to control the quality of our lives and seek to improve it. And that in itself is not an inherently bad thing. But we are brought up to believe that if we work hard, follow the rules, do what we’re told - we’ll achieve what we’ve been taught to want. We’ll be happy. We’ll be successful. We’ll be in control.

We can measure our lives, but we can’t control it. Not all of it.

As an actor, there are so many things in my career that are out of my control - much more so than when I was working in an office environment. In this world, there is almost never any correllation between effort and result. I can study for years, take classes until I am blue and audition brilliantly for a thousand shows, but that does not mean I’ll land the job. I’m working towards some arbitrary sense of fulfillment that I can’t see, can’t predict and don’t even know if it will ever arrive.

So what do I do? Ironically, my answers have been found by going back into this world that seeks to measure and control everything. We have to live in this world. So rather than fight against it, I seek to understand it. Instead of focusing on measuring and controlling, how about reframing it to “improving” it? Because ultimately, isn’t that the purpose behind all this measurement? So we can take steps forward? So that we can be happy - whatever that means to you?

Rather than railing against the establishment, find a way in and change things from the inside for the better.

Because everyone’s in the same boat - whether they admit it or not. And if you teach yourself to look at the world - not just with your intellect - not just with your emotions - not just with your spirit - but with ALL of those faculties, then you’ll see the straight line that you’ve been looking for.

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My name is Eu Jin. I embarked on a career as a professional actor after 20 years in the corporate world. I am a big advocate of personal growth in the performing arts. I dedicate time and energy in performing arts education, specifically in the arena of practical approaches to inner health because I believe that this lays the groundwork for a sustainable career as an artiste.

If you would like to engage in a conversation about a healthy inner life practice, please leave me a message on the "Contact" page of my website and a way to contact you. Thank you.